Situation

This entry is not about guitars. Not about any trips or any events.

This is just a slur of words just to satisfy my need to drain these mixed feelings now residing in my heart. Crap. It's been a long time since I discover the melancholic side of me again. And you know what? I hate it. It turns me to this miserable kind of person that I loathe. And why did I become like this, you ask? Too bad I can't just tell all my private matters in a blog and just hope that everyone will understand. This heavy weight now sitting comfortably on my shoulders must be sustained only by me. Not anyone else.

Can you imagine how hard it is to sometimes put up the happy-go-lucky face you show your friends everyday? It's damn fucking hard. But hey, it's not their fault. It's not even your fault. It's just like all those punch lines in TV series that is always said when a couple is breaking up. "It's not you. It's me." Sure, it's not you. It's just a piece of crap that I say to just put everything behind. At least I don't intend to blame anyone. It's nobody's fault anyway. Serious.

This feeling is like being a cliffhanger. You never know what will happen to you if even ONE of your equipments suddenly breaks. You fall, you die. You managed to find a grip, you'll survive. Maybe yes, maybe not. But then again, life is all about taking risks, right? Just like all those crappy banking and finance lecturers always say, "High risk, high return. Low risk, low return." Low risk now means I just have to stop. Stop this madness. Then the return will be low as well. Nothing happens. But playing my high risk card will... erm... will really put me up in a fucked up situation. Do I really need to do this? The sacrifice will be too costly if the worst happen. The stake is too high.

Never back down. Never give up. Never... never say surrender. That's what my father taught me every time I fail a subject. As long as you try your best. That quote will be stuck in my head for a long time. Maybe until I die or became too old to remember. All my heart, I wanted to continue to fight this battle until its conclusion. But why, of all times, did it happen now? When I got these three heavy weight subjects. The pressure, mate. The pressure. It's like having to lift a mountain, while walking through the sea as well. Any mistake, say goodbye. There is no room for mistake. I only have one shot. And that is all. Man, my hand is trembling. My brain is malfunctioning due to a dilemma on whether I should do it or not. Can I hit the bull's eye? Or will I miss and ends up dead. Dead.

Damn. There's more to life than this.